In fifth grade my teacher passed out sticky notes, then told all of us to choose one of three colleges to visit for our field trip. Our choices were Thaddeus Stevens, The Ware Center, and some other school that didn’t interest me in the slightest. I chose The Ware Center in part due to me being interested in music, but also due to it looking the most fun. Honestly, I had no interest in going to college then, and I still don’t. Going to the cafeteria everyday and seeing those tables of colleges promoting themselves… seemed purposeless to me. I listen to their spiel having it go from one ear then out the other, then take whatever free stuff they have on the table, and go. Not once have I actually looked into the college afterwards, which I don’t feel bad about. 

I wouldn’t say that I’m against myself or anyone at all going to college, it just doesn’t seem as important as people make it out to be. The more and more I hear about it, the less I want to think about it.  All the years of being pressured to go to college started to put a weight on my shoulders. Recently, in a meeting about college with my counselor, he pointed out that I’d be the first in my family to go. That made me feel like I really had to go then, so at least somebody does.  Whenever I’m asked about my plans for after high school I try to change the subject. My plans are practically nonexistent, and I don’t see that as a bad thing. People could definitely see me as lazy or just procrastinating on what’s really important for my life but it’s not that at all. I just don’t feel the need to. 

Taking a gap year is an option, but I’m cautious of making my whole life a gap year. A 2015 study by the Cooperative Institutional Research Program at UCLA found that about 3% of U.S. students take a gap year before college. I can’t tell if that’s reassuring or not. I could find myself like some people do, but what else do I need to know about myself? For the longest time I’ve known that there’s no real concrete path being laid out for me in the form of school, school, more school, and then working until I drop dead. 

Going to college for a  bachelor’s degree doesn’t seem too bad. But it could end up being a huge waste of time and money. Maybe I shouldn’t treat it like that. Having the idea that college has to amount to some huge important thing for me gave it a negative light. It’s always been “You have to know what you want to do and how you want to do it,” and never “If you do it one way rather than the other it’s not wrong.” The latter definitely would have taken some of the pressure off me. At this point I understand there is a choice for me to make about whether or not to go to college. But, the constant pressure to know exactly what I want to do with the rest of my life is making this choice more difficult.