By Mitchell Copeland

At 4-38, the Detroit Pistons rank dead last in the NBA. They rank in the bottom 5 for nearly every team statistic. Not only that, they tied the record for the longest losing streak in NBA history (28 games). Fans are still trying to speculate who they might be tanking for; Lebron James Jr, Alexander Sarr, or maybe Caitlin Clark. The Pistons were finally able to seize a victory against the Raptors to end this horrible losing streak. Unfortunately, this wasn’t the end of absolute miserable basketball for the not-so-professional team. 

Hoping to secure an easy win, the Pistons scheduled a home game against a local retirement home’s recreational team. But things didn’t go as planned and the Pistons started losing this game the second it began. It opened up with Bojan Bodanovic somehow losing a jump ball to a man in a walker. Despite their name, the Tortoises started off quickly taking an early 10-4 lead. After a third consecutive Killian Hayes airball, the Tortoise’s star player, Betty Fitzgerald, knocked down a corner three forcing the Pistons to take a timeout. Betty Fitzgerald, despite missing last season for a broken pelvis, has led the Tortoises to a 20-15 record this season averaging 28 (points), 6 (rebounds), and 3 (sweaters knitted). She is currently the leading candidate for the MVG (most valuable grandma). 

The Pistons weren’t able to mount much of a comeback, going into halftime down 58-44. But just when they thought they hit rock bottom, someone handed them a shovel. The Tortoises came out swinging, and the Pistons came out… missing 12 shots in a row on top of 5 turnovers. Frankly, it was embarrassing to watch. The Pistons were losing loose balls to people with artificial knees. Carrol Warden, #78 (her age not her number), hit a post-fade on Cade Cunningham before taking out her false teeth and waving them in his face. No mercy. 

At the end of the third quarter, the Pistons had managed to make up some ground, bringing the score to 78-68. The Tortoises weren’t going to let them close the gap that easily after Betty Fitzgerald put up a couple tough shots and found Buddy Willem in the paint for an and one. However, the Pistons hadn’t given up yet. Killian Hayes was benched so they were finally able to convert some good looks into points. The Pistons pulled off a 10-0 run to tie the game up with just 20 seconds left. All they had to do was stop a 75-year-old woman from putting the ball in the hoop. But Betty Fitzgerald has ice in her veins (and blood thinners), and with just two seconds left on the clock, threw up a three-pointer from 35 feet out to put the nail in the coffin.

The Pistons season is absolutely irredeemable. They can’t guard a traffic cone and they can’t score on an Alzheimer’s patient. How is this team ever going to get better? What do they have to change to start winning games? Well, one genius Reddit user has the solution. A disaster draft is what takes place when the majority of a team’s players are disabled or killed. So one wise man recommends that Detroit assassinate 5 of its players to initiate a disaster draft. This might be their only chance. 5 new roster spots? This could be a huge turnaround for the Pistons season; they might be able to win ten games! Hopefully Detroit will soon remember that basketball doesn’t do golf scoring and they’ll start winning games.